When Heaven and Earth Collide

Where heaven and earth collide

As far as I’m concerned Heaven and Earth can collide, and for me that date was April 2, 2012. When a perfect earthly body was born unto me as the spirit of this precious gift was lifted to heaven. In my eyes this was a defining moment for me. It is where I became a mother, to an angel, and where my rewiring would take place. I will never be the same person I was before this day. My world is forever changed.

In these last 6 weeks I haven’t truly felt like myself. I have felt as if I’m in a fog. I can’t concentrate on all that much. My mind always goes to my little girl somehow. But it’s beautiful. And I realized that this week. It’s beautiful because in this hurt, and in this change, I can see how deep my love for her is. What could be greater than every thought going to one person in your life? To think of them as you go to sleep and to wake up with them on your mind? To want to reach out to others to keep her memory alive? To live your life in a way that she can be proud? To be inspired but someone so little? It’s beautiful!! To live for her. To look forward to something after this life… that’s what I have been given along with many other gifts.

Sometimes I question the moments where heaven and earth collide… after having my little girl I have felt what are called “phantom kicks”. I’m unsure of what exactly recreates this feeling but it makes the world stop for a moment. I have found myself with the first thought of “what if there was a baby in there”… how the heck would that be?!?! Lol It can’t. But that’s how real those moments can be… and then you snap out of it. I guess for a second you hope that it’s all just been a nightmare. Nope it’s reality. And these are due to your body reacting to trauma. It’s normal. It has happened a few times… but I am well aware that I am not “losing it” and know what is going on. But it can be a sad reminder of what once was. I am going to try to think of it as being told my baby is ok… just as her kicks did when I held her inside me.

Another moment where heaven and earth collided seemed to happen today. As we were putting the kids at work down for a nap, little Koston was counting and telling letters to my friend Ashley and then said “see the angel”? We questioned him again and he mentioned “look, the angel” and then dismissed it. I of course in my mind wanted him to point towards me. He stopped pointing and said it, but nothing was confirmed. Then is was time for me to join Dalis on her fieldtrip but a few minutes into our walk to the icecream shop I got a text from Ashley saying that Koston had just said “where did the angel go?” We both felt as if he meant my little Harlow… and since I had left, she followed. It was a beautiful moment.

And finally one more moment… On Saturday I was dreading Mother’s day the next day. My heart was unsure of how to feel. I was a mess inside but trying to stay strong on the outside. I just haven’t felt her with me. I haven’t felt in my heart she’s ok. It’s the worst. But I questioned this one moment… and although my heart hasn’t changed much… I question if she was trying to reach out to me in some way: I hadn’t been on my phone, but in my phone I have an area where I write myself notes to remember what I want to blog about or say. I picked up my phone and went to check facebook or my texts or something… but what popped up was my notes (that I had not been on) and just in the middle was the word “moment” and the MOM in moment was highlighted in blue. Something I surely had not done, I never highlight anything. So… Jonny may be too angry inside to think this could be from her, but in my heart I feel like it had to be. It must have been a moment where somehow, heaven and earth did collide once again.

I captured the moment thanks to my iphone... here it is...