National Bereaved Mother's Day

A beautiful day given to mommy’s of angels. A beautiful day to reflect upon our angels in a positive way. A Mother’s day non of us would EVER want to be a part of, but join in pride, together.

Today Jonny and I woke up with some unknown emotions weighing on us. Unsure of the triggers, we just shared some quick thoughts before the girls came down, and a long embrace to let one another know we are here and love each other deeply.

Last night I found it difficult to pray. I have been praying since the night I came home from the hospital without my daughter in my belly or my arms. That first night was hard, it was brief, but I did. Last night I questioned why I even bother? Except for a couple of nights I had just passed out in bed, I prayed on my knees during my entire pregnancy. I felt I was very specific in my wishes… as I opened with thanking my Heavenly father for the day, for things that may have occurred, for special people in my life and ending in thanks as well… I prayed for my baby to be healthy and strong and for myself to be as well… so I could watch her grow up and grow old. Was this not the right prayer? Did I say something the wrong way that could have gotten mixed up? Nope… I was so specific, so why on earth would my baby be taken away? And late in my pregnancy too? I just don’t understand. So I found myself wondering why I even bother. The most important prayer I have ever made in my life was that my baby girl was healthy and strong, so that I could enjoy watching her grow. Why couldn’t I have even been granted that? Have I not been a good enough person? Did I not take care of my baby well enough? Did I not respond to certain trials in the correct way? I just don’t get it! And then I think… bad people are blessed with babies. Drug addicts are blessed with babies. Homeless women are blessed with babies. There are even women who kill their children who have been blessed with babies! WHY NOT ME?!?!? And then I think that us angel mommy’s have to live on the thought that “we’re just extra special to have been blessed with an angel”. And on most days… I’ll go with it. But every once in a while the honest thought is… screw that! It’s Bullshit. I want my baby back on earth! Maybe today is one of those days. I miss her more than most can even realize.

But one positive note is; in some twisted way, some of my prayers were answered. Maybe I should have just kept it simple and only about wanting her to be healthy and wanting to watch her grow up!

I also prayed on many nights, for Harlow to bond my husband and I. And my mother and I. You see… Jonny and I have been through one thing after another since we met, and especially since moving across the country from everyone we love 2 ½ years ago. He even lost his job the month after finding out we were expecting… just when things were starting to look up, we reached another impossible mountain to climb, it seemed! Nothing was budging. With more bad news as the months passed Harlow was our only light. I prayed that she would bond Jonny and I because the stress had been straining our relationship greatly. But the love was still there… hiding in all the mess. And you know what? She has bonded us. I loved him deeper than I ever had after having Harlow. I look at him and pictured her at times. I appreciated the love he’s shown and the support he has been giving me. And I know that in some crazy way… although not what I meant… my prayers have been answered. And with my mom… we’ve always had kind of a crazy relationship. It may seem like a love/hate relationship to some. We are too much alike and take things so personally with one another. Sometimes we're silly and love each other. Sometimes we argue and get super frustrated. I wanted a more bonded relationship where we could feel like we were on the same level as each other I guess? I just wanted to feel more connected. Well… Harlow did that too. On April 2, 2012 my mother and I shared an incredible journey of fear and strength. We shared the most beautiful moment a women can ever achieve, the birth of a child. My child. Her grandchild. And we shared the bond of sadness and tears as well. This bond we will have the rest of our lives, this bond has now changed who we are. So in a way, my prayers have been answered, and our bond is now deeper than it's ever has been.

I know that I should be thankful for these bonds, and I am, but I still am having a hard time understanding why my child was taken away from me. Why I have been left with empty arms and an empty heart. Why so many women I have been connected to have as well?!?! It’s not fair. Not for any of us. Not for those who have had misscarriages, still births, or have lost their children after they were born. It’s our cruel reality. And I don’t like it one bit!! And because it is so heartbreaking, I am having a hard time with… should I bother to pray at all? I don’t want to have to pray to feel in my heart that my daughter is ok!!! I don’t want to have to pray to be blessed with another baby… a healthy and strong baby that I can watch grow up. What the heck was wrong with my first one that’s been ripped away from me?!?! NOTHING… reports came back… nothing was wrong whatsoever!

So who do I blame? Myself? God? Who? –I don’t know. And I never will I guess, until maybe I get up to Heaven and then maybe I can get some answers. I guess that’s all I have to go by right now, so I can’t really turn on faith! If I don’t keep my faith, then what do I have?!?! What do I have to look forward to after this life?!?! I couldn’t even imagine the thought of just never seeing my child again!

Well my friends… I wasn’t sure what I was going to blog today, I still haven’t written our moments after Harlow… but I guess these are the true thoughts of a bereaved Mother. The thoughts that don’t always have to be rainbows and butterflies! I just wanted to be a mommy… a mommy to a child I could enjoy here on earth. And now… I just want to know that since she is not here with me, that she is ok! I don't want to hear that she is in Heavenly Father's arms... that she is happy and well taken care of... I want to KNOW these things. In my heart. And I do not feel that yet...

My sweet friend Jessie actually sent me beautiful flowers for this special day...

an Angel given to me by my friend Christy-marie

I recieved this necklace after we got back to Idaho after our trip to Mass... so thoughtful and amazing!

My Monday's are now "Yellow Monday's" or "Harlow Monday's" where I wear yellow in rememberance of my little sunshine I gave birth to on Monday, the 2nd of April.