No limits on a broken heart

So there’s a post that I have had in my computer for a couple weeks that I need to go over and add to but just haven’t had the time… I will… it’s our “days after Harlow” post. But with her due date creeping up on me I’ve had a lot of “notes” in my phone on what to write about. I think it’s time I’ve gotten some of my rollercoaster down;

I get a lot of credit for being strong. But, what is the definition because I don’t feel very strong?! All I do is what I can… and although many angel moms don’t chose to become open books with their situations, that is what keeps me sane. I talk. I talk about her, because I think about her and I believe that I would be denying myself of precious moments if I was to keep my mouth shut and my fingers off this keyboard. This is how I keep her close, this is how I relive our memories together, this is how I remind the rest of the world that she is NOT a figment of my imagination. She is my daughter and I miss her terribly.

Imagine every moment of every day… this one tiny little person is on your mind. I’m sure anyone who has been a parent has lived that in some way. Now imagine, that is all you have. Your thoughts, your memories. There are no longer any continued memories to be made. You’ve had your shot. You cannot hold this child again, feel their skin, kiss their forehead. You cannot look into one another’s eyes and converse verbally or without words. You cannot feel their warmth on your chest or watch each breath they take as they sleep peacefully. You will not watch them grow… all you have is the hole in your heart that has been filled with your love for them, and the box of memories tucked away deep within your mind. Precious moments that an angel mother would die to relive.

“To forget is to abandon a part of yourself”

I am reading “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” By Deborah Davis. It is a gift from my Brother and Sister in Law, and it is a beautiful read so far. I’ve recently began to highlight as I read, the parts that speak to me. One of the beautiful quotes that I had captured with my neon yellow marker was “your baby was taken from your body’s embrace”… what a beautiful thought. My body’s embrace. Wow. These words seem like a perfect exchange of how I felt and what I tried to do for her… embrace. My body held her tight just as my heart did, and will continue to do far beyond my last breath. This touched something within me, I think, because I feel so helpless that I can no longer embrace her. It made our time together seem a bit more sacred. Those words.

I seriously need an entire day or two to say all that I want to say… ok, back to it…

I feel as though I am a walking contradiction because I want other momma’s to be strong, and then I myself feel like a total mess inside. I am thankful that I do not have depression… probably because I don’t keep it in and have some type of an outlet… but I do struggle every day with asking WHY, being hurt, and being angry at the world. I just don’t let the world know that, because I don’t think it’s fair. Every pregnant mother-to-be I see, or dad carrying his infant car-seat did not cause my little girl to die. So I put on a happy face and hold my story in my little box in my mind and pretend as if my life is as “normal” as everyone elses. Hmmm… you never really know the struggles one contains do you?!?! I haven’t really cried all that much over the last month in a half or so either. Now, do I have moments where I’d love to? YEP! But for some reason I am numb and usually cannot let out the tears my eyes so badly want to discard. It seems as though the emotions that I deal with every day are work enough for my body. I truly think we angel moms, are usually far more broken than people even realize. We put on strong faces to show we will be ok (even though we have no idea when or if it will ever truly happen). We don’t want people to feel bad for us, or worse than they already do. We do not want to surround ourselves with a  pity-party for the rest of our days, or be “downers” all the time.  SO TO YOU ANGEL MOMS, don’t live for others, live for your children and most of all… live for yourself!! You don’t need to keep it all in. Does the entire world need to know you’ve lost a child/or children? NO! But you do NOT have to be so quiet that it eats you up inside either. I don’t care if it may seem “taboo” to share your child, or your memories, or your thoughts on the situation… LET IT OUT, don’t bottle it up! According to my book a “bereaved mother’s fatigue is different from that of other postpartum mothers. Any comparisons are unfair because the grief contributes immeasurably to the fatigue of recovering from pregnancy”. I thought this was key to know that it is NOT in our minds, and that we actually have taken on far more than those mother’s who are at home waking up every 2 hours to feed their healthy newborn babies. Don’t feel like a burden, be real with yourself and with others.

Nighttime has always been a struggle with me. I’m just bad at it. In college my nickname was “owl” because I was always up late night and it seemed like I didn’t sleep much. When I moved on to my second college I drove my parents nuts being up at all hours… even if I was just playing a game on the computer. And now my husband has gotten used to the nightly ritual of how I’ve been exhausted all day but once 10pm rolls around I’m ready to run a marathon. Some nights, it is not physical, but mental. Night time is when my body has time to rest and my mind has time to think. Night time is when my body demands that I grieve. I get down on my knees every night and pray, and yet I lay in bed every morning and every night, clutching her blanket, asking God Why?!? Why me, why her? If I should “be fruitful and multiple” then why the hell can’t I have my baby?!? Why, of all the pregnant mothers and newborns around me and in my life, was mine the one who the world will never truly know?!? Why am I not worthy… and don’t you dare tell me I am… because I AM the mother WITHOUT her baby!! And then I check my phone, and I realize that sadly, many other women are feeling exactly how I am! Many other women are dieing inside with empty arms. Many other women are reaching out in our support groups because they too feel broken inside.

That hurts me. And then that makes me want to snap out of it, because I know that I need to let them know they are NOT alone. I have come to love these ladies that I share my most intimate thoughts with. And what’s more vulnerable than grief?!?! I mean really?!?! It’s so raw.

It is easy to feel alone and that the rest of the world does not care about your baby like you do. Even when it comes to the dads, although they love their children, they do not have the bond a mother does with her unborn/born children. I do the same with Jonny… I get upset because I feel like he “doesn’t feel as I do”. And they don’t. No one can duplicate the feeling and bond a mother has with a child she has grown preciously within her womb. But we do need to realize they hurt. They mourn for their lost child. They need us just as we need them. Please don’t forget them. They are broken too…

Ok… my goodness, I have gone off once again. I’m sorry, I am just very passionate about trying to help!!

What are some things I have learned?

* the power of true friends and a caring family, and the strength that can bring to your life in tragedy.

* no one understands unless they have been through it

* it hurts, and always will

*quotes you used to like will now be some of the ones you hate

* life does not stop, even though yours feels like it did

* strangers can/will be your savior

* life is a blur

*karma isn’t real (because I KNOW I don’t deserve for my child to die)

* you may live perfectly, but that doesn’t mean you will not have BIG trials

* ignorance hurts

* saying something is more than nothing

* this will change who you are

* you cannot “get over it” but you can move forward… little by little, day by day

* you will have many unknown “triggers”

* you will blame yourself, even if you did everything right

* sometimes the smallest moments will leave the biggest impressions

* you are, indeed, stronger than you realize

Is that all I have learned? Hell no! But those are some things that stuck out in my mind enough to one day put into my phone.

Another thing I have learned? There is no time limit on a broken heart. Not that anyone has tried, but no one can tell me when to “stop”, when to “forget”, when to “move on”. I was recently asked if I was “feeling better” about everything and my reply was an honest one: No. I don’t think I ever will “be better” but I will cope better with the hand I’ve been given. I don’t think that you can feel better about a child who you will never raise on this earth, a child you will never get to know on this earth, a child no one will ever see on this earth. But I will smile in her memory. And I am thankful that I have friends who want to know if I’m ok. I am, I’m ok. My heart will not shut off and die, or shrivel to a prune at the stroke of midnight after 6 months have passed… but it will both hurt and rejoice in the memories of my daughter.