a little red

We bought a zoo… what a great movie. Since missing the first 5 to 10 minutes I walked into the living room a bit late and found my eyes glued to the screne with a beautiful young girl with curly strawberry blonde hair. Her eyes sparkled, her nose –a button-, and her smile could light up the dark. She was just precious and it was crazy because every time they showed her I smiled inside. She just looked like her name should be Harlow to me… I could imagine her as my daughter. Of course there’s time we “joke” around about children but for some reason this little 4 or 5 year old grabbed my attention. I would even feel myself getting slightly emotional. My goodness… I hope this isn’t too weird!! She made me think of my girl and what she would look like. Would her eyes be brown like Jonny likes to think, like this little girl had? Would her hair have had a tint of red in it like Jonny’s beard did, and like he had when he was little? Her hair did seem like it had a little tint to it… blonde, but maybe some strawberry blonde? Would she have had more full lips? Freckles or no freckles? I’m not sure… but in going through all the clothing she would have been spoiled with… boy oh boy would she have looked adorable at all times!!!

Today I found myself thinking of her as I usually do, but with a little more sadness in my heart than on some other days. I’m not sure why. I just keep thinking about how close we would have been to the end of my pregnancy, how close her due date is getting, mother’s day without feeling like I’m a mother, and how I am incredibly upset that my shower wasn’t this past weekend, but her service was. And then the funeral home called me once more to let me know the charm bracelet with her hand-print on it was in, so we stopped by and picked that up. It was almost like the end… the cards will stop, the flowers will stop, the care packages will stop, I have nothing let to go to the funeral home for, her service is done… and life goes on. Right? Well, maybe for most, but not for me. My world continues to revolve around her. But it feels a little more empty when all of the added things dwindle and life should go back to normal.

The problem is, I don’t know what normal is anymore. I am in the middle of finding my “new normal” as I’ve said before. It can be so incredibly draining to constantly pretend like you are perfectly fine when you’re not. To smile when you don’t want to, to try to pay attention when your mind is elsewhere, to seem happy when you want to scream “I WANT MY BABY BACK!” My measurement in time is now according to losing Harlow “before this all happened”, “the day before we lost her”, “back when I was pregnant” and things like that are often heard coming out of my mouth in conversation. But I try not to always talk about it… about her… because I don’t want to bring people down. It’s just hard because that’s where my mind is.

I’m afraid. I don’t want her memory to be so faded in my mind that the tenderness of these times, these moments, don’t come through to me as they do now. I find myself looking at a picture or two daily so that I can continue to remember just what she looked like. I don’t want just picture her in my mind, I don’t want that sweet little face to fade. I want to relive the memories over and over because THAT is all I have. THOSE were my mommy moments. I don’t want to put everything in a box and lock it away…I don’t want to “put things behind me”. I can’t.

Yes, a part of me died right along with her, but in that hole… love has been filled. My love for her. And all the dreams I had for her. So it’s ok if I picture my little girl when I see others. But let me tell you…. Never knowing the answers to the questions I began with is so hard. It kills me every day. Every morning, noon, and night I hurt inside, deeply. But I still know I will be ok.

I am going to be working on projects done in her honor, I will be reaching out to other angel mommy’s and families and I will hopefully make her proud that I am her mommy!

Mommy loves and misses you Harlow. From Heaven and back, forever and a day.