my feelings about going home.
I have mixed emotions about our trip home tomorrow. We just want to get out of this dang town, and be around loved ones, BUT I have a weight on my shoulders as well. This trip home was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to get off the plane and waddle on over to my mom and hug her further away than I ever have before... why? Because my baby would be between us. The baby I should have had safe and sound within me.
We should have been coming home to celebrate my baby in a different way. In a real way, instead of just honoring a memory. We were to talk about motherhood and pregnancy instead of talking about the child of mine that I will never watch grow further. My best friend was going to paint my belly, my friends and family would try to feel her kicks and rolls. I was supposed to come home and feel beautiful instead of a mess. I was to go home with all the things to spoil my baby girl and to get ready for her arrival. Instead I will miss ALL of that. Instead I prep for our trip by stopping by the funeral home for proper papers to take my babies ashes on the plane with me. I will carry her blanket and outfit along with me as well, besides her paper of her footprints and my book about grieving.
This hurts my heart. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I didn't want to come home and hug others and cry... I wanted to come home and share laughter as I shared my miracle.
But I look forward to those hugs... I really do. And I look forward to sharing my story and my memories and even some tears. Because I know that my loved ones love her.
No comments:
Post a Comment