Baby Rocketfield: Healing Powers

As Harlow was growing bigger and stronger within me Jonny and I would find ourselves thinking about what tattoos we would get for her because that is how we think, and what we do! We both have very meaningful tattoos for loved ones, and each other, and so we knew our daughter would be eternalized on our skin as well. Jonny has two forearms filled with memories about Dalis and Preslie including their “loves” through childhood (like pirates and the gummi bears cartoon I grew up watching) and little looks into their personalities as well. He also has their “John Hancock’s” –stolen idea from me- from when they were 4 years old… something we both couldn’t wait to get for Miss Harlow! But the fact is, we only have a few memories to go off of now… and when we lost her, we knew that we would still be adding to our art. People who know us, or even just me, certainly knew it was coming and some even asked!

On June 24^th Jonny and I drove down to Ogden Utah for our appointment with Neil… a very talented artist that has done the majority of our work. He was the only one we trust to go to for something so special, and our 2 hour drive down was well worth it. Because we are now, in a way, “friends” with Neil he really helps us out and is willing to work with us. He was aware before hand of why we were coming on this day (they’re closed on Monday’s, this was the Sunday before her due date) and we’d been putting a lot of thought into what we would get. We had some similar ideas, but I knew Jonny would end up playing off of mine… I’m just good like that. J lol The week before I was drawing up ideas but knew Neil would really bring it all together. He did exactly that and free-hand drew all of what I showed him or told him I wanted… just perfectly.

As he was placing the outline onto my forearm I knew it was going to be amazing… and I knew my mom would not love the placing or the size… but was sure she’d at least appreciate the idea of it all. We got a couple of “that’s a big piece” or “are you doing that all in one sitting” comments from others filled with tattys who most likely thought either I had none, or not many, and after answering “you bet” to the later question mentioned that I had a few others. But this was different. I remember getting my first memorial tattoo for a friend I had graduated with (Jimmy) who passed from a drunk driving accident, and thought about how I was just so upset by his loss and would find myself broken and crying and when I got my “spirit” Japanese tattoo for him my heart had healed in some profound way and I felt a little more at peace with his tragic loss. It was incredible, and was my 2^nd tattoo (on the back of my neck). I also have other memorial tattoos- for my grandparents (3 have passed, 2 have not) which are 5 negative stars on my back, I have a 3 leaf clover for my beautiful friend Amanda who passed from cancer far too early in her amazing and meaningful life (which is a copy of the pins that were sold to raise money for her treatments when everything started) that’s on my right ankle, and another piece on my spine that I had dreamed of which is a heart with wings for Amanda, James SaintG, and Jimmy… 3 lives lost too soon! I like to think that the little star my “Preslie/ladder” tattoo is holding is for my miscarriage, as well.

So I was first, and I sat down in that chair knowing this was gonna hurt like hell, but all be worth it in the end as it always is. Neil prepped his station and poured his colors. He started with the black outline first, as they always do, and there were certainly spots that hurt more than others. I remember sitting there and looking forward at the wall and the pictures around me and thinking “this is all going to be worth it, this is all for her” and tearing up. I found myself doing that a few times as I thought of my sweet girl and why I was sitting in this chair already. Gosh, I thought I was going to have a couple ideas… like a picture from the book I read her… and would just keep adding as we learned more about her… but this was kind of all we had. I thought that, in a way, the hurt was a good thing because it was putting a physical characteristic on what was in my heart. And boy oh boy was that the truth. As Neil went on I didn’t get used to the feeling, it actually hurt worse. Because it was in one set area and ALL colored in… the parts that weren’t so bad in the beginning began to feel like the worse parts and he closed in on finishing –darkest to light. Every time I looked down though, I absolutely loved what I saw and couldn’t wait to see it finished. I sat for about 3-3 ½ hours squirming with my feet and legs… but I made it. I was in love. I wanted her tattoo right where I could see it daily, where I could think of her, be reminded of her, and where people would ask questions so that I could share her, and I let go of the “what will people think” question. I can hide it if need be but the truth is, I just absolutely love looking down and seeing my beautiful art for my little girl!! It is just so incredibly meaningful and brings some type of peace to my heart. It makes me proud, and it makes me smile, and it really was a tiny bit of my healing process.

Now if only I can get my mom to get her name or something?!?! Lol!!

So here is a rundown of what you’re looking at when you look at me:

1. Yellow balloon (we let yellow balloons go after her service, in our pictures for her, and will continue to do so each year on her birth day because it is so beautiful sending our “notes to heaven!

2. Heart with patch (based off of a picture Preslie drew that said “We’ll Make It” with Harlow’s name in it… because we know that there is a hole in each of our hearts for her, but is patched over with the love we hold for her).

3. The first 4 lines to “Little Snowdrop” (a poem I fell in love with in preparing for her service, which was read during it. The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn’t bloom, or even pause to notice if the petals fall too soon).

4. Sunflower –her symbol

5. Yellow Rose (I had received a yellow rose in my first bouquet for Harlow and just loved it and dried it and it is now in her shadow box, but I also thought it was a perfect flower to get for all the other angels I’ve come to love and that I know are Harlow’s sweet friends on Heavens playground!)

6. Daisy, yellow butterfly, purple butterfly (I have two nieces which helped to welcome Harlow into heaven. Meadow’s symbol is the daisy, and her younger sister Zoee is represented as the butterfly, she is my purple butterfly because Jonny’s mom told me once “purple is kind of our family color”. The yellow butterfly is my friend Cheryl’s symbol for her beautiful angel Addi… Cheryl is my friend who I turned to in finding out about losing Harlow and who I was in contact with the entire day I was laboring in the hospital scared out of my mind and beyond disbelief with that had happened. We like to think that Addi -born at 22 weeks- and Harlow are besties up in Heaven.)

7. Duck in an egg (this is taken from the last page of the book “Ollie” which I read to Harlow just about every night, even as I held her in my arms in the hospital. Ollie is a book about 2 older ducks waiting for the egg to crack and they want Ollie to come out and play so badly, but Ollie is too stubborn and wont. Finally they give up and say “Fine, Don’t come out!” and sure enough… he does! Our version of Ollie is a little girl duck with tiny curls and with a bow on top instead of a piece of egg shell. Her egg is also colored like an Easter egg because Harlow was born 6 days before Easter). This one is my favorite I think!

Neil did a beautiful job with tying all my ideas together, and using such pretty colors. He added the clouds and coloring to really make it all one piece and I just adore it! I hope others can see the beauty in it as well.